Tired

Today I am tired. My 14 year old really took it out of me this evening. Not all on his own, I was down on energy as it was and I allowed him to take the last little bit.

I spent six hours stirring infused oil for the salves today, with little D in my arms. Rocking, stirring, bouncing, stirring.. nursing, stirring.... running back and forth to the living room to keep an eye on Dante. Oh, and I can't leave out the horrific morning trying to determine why we have paid 200.00 into our 25.00 deductible so far this year for our medical plan and are still not getting reimbursed for my daughter's medications. Phone calls to the plan providers and government and past employers, trying to get it all sorted out. (though I ended up more confused and feeling stupider- yes I know stupider is not a word). Spending time listening to a very slow talking automated voice on the BC Health line drove me to the point of trying to rip my white pages into peices. Alas, the book was too thick.

Demetrio started crying, and so Dante started shrieking, and the lovely SLOW voice told me, "You have entered an invalid selection" over, and over again, as the service mistook the sound of screaming children for push button selections. Omg. Truly.... I wanted to throw the phone. At the end of it all, nothing came of it. I gave up, defeated.

The salves turned out beautifully however.

Then this evening, my 14 year old was mad at his friends. He had been BORED as heck and was hoping to sleep over at a friends, and it didnt end up working out, and another friend who owed him ten dollars , wouldn't pay him. He had gone to this friend to pick up money, as the friend told him to - but the friend changed his mind and said he wasnt able to give him the money.

He came in bitching and complaining and stomping his feet. He snapped at me when I asked him to please calm down and not to speak to me when mad because he was being really rude. I told him I understood him being mad, I would be too, but to mellow out and take a breather before coming into the living room, because he was directing his anger at his friend toward myself (with the little ones in the room), and it was not acceptable.

I didnt yell, I didnt freak out.. just a "WHOA Nelly! " sort of thing. Then he went off about how he wished he lived back in our old city (45 minutes away), and how he should just go live with his dad (who disappears for months on end, has emotional/drug issues, is on welfare after getting fired from his job as a journeyman plumber, and the list goes on).... It always bugs me when he says things like that. I know I shouldnt let it bug me, but I love him so much, and have spent so much time finding alternate ways of  behaviour modification through diet and nutrition, dealing with teachers, principals, sometimes daily, worrying about him, feeling broken hearted whenever he is sad... okay, yes, just trying to be a good mom... and when he goes off about wanting to live with his dad, it just leaves me feeling drained.

I feel even further drained when I find himself helping himself to things in the kitchen that I asked him not to because we are low on things and times are tight, we 'budget' the food so that there is enough to last from paycheque to paycheque. Then he needs to argue about that... its so 'retarded' that we're poor, he says. It's stupid,he says and then hes arguing with me about how he doesnt really help himself to more than his share (which he does) and that he didnt help himself to extra snacks that day (which he did), and my voice starts getting louder, and so does his, and baby is on my hip, and the smell of a 19 month old's diaper is wafting in from the living room, and the cat has jumped up onto the table and is about to lie down on the lap top.. and suddenly I'm just tired.

So, rather than continue this energy exchange (except rather than an exchange, it is more of a drawing in. He feels cruddy because he was let down this evening, and therefore subconciously needs to draw energy inward from someone else), I ground myself... breathe deeply and imagine the energy flowing up into me from the earth, up, up out through the top of my head.... and just as free flowing.... I imagine the energy from the universe , from above, flowing back down within me, down, down and through my feet into the earth. Now I feel grounded. And I told him... "You might not always get what you want, but you will always have what you need|". He kind of just shook his head at me. But that was it. Funny how easy it is to get caught up in an argument.

Talking to my almost 20 year old later, I said, "Am I that bad? How did I raise him to be so angry and argumentive", and my almost 20 year old pointed out that you don't raise personality. I agreed BUT... a child's behaviour is in many ways the result of he way his or her personality reacts to the parenting.

Five kids. All so different.

So, my 19 month old is in his crib in his room, my 3 month old is in his mini crib next to my bed, my older boys are in their rooms , playing on the comp or vid games, my daughter is at her friend's for a few nights - it's spring break- and Im sitting on my bed, on my laptop, brain buzzing away with a million thoughts, while at the same time, feeling tired beyond words. I know the moment I turn this off and lie down, the lil one will be awake to nurse. Oh well... who needs sleep? Sleep is for the weak! haha.